For the past few months ever since I started paying attention to my emotional wounds, I have constantly found it very challenging to be alone, especially when I'm home. It could be the tiny space I live in. There were just days that I feel very vulnerable, as if the monster is gonna come from inside of me. How do you escape that, really?
However, through the months of attending counseling and applying the concepts in my life, I have found myself alot stronger than I thought I was. Sure, most of the time I resent myself for being a wuss compared to the person I was before, but hmm, I have struggles now that I couldn't have survived then. I'm just thankful I had this struggle now.
Why, you might ask? well, call me optimistic, but I just think God has placed everything in the right place. My mom is always watchful, making sure I have the necessary support should I need it, but remains to maintain the space I need to grow. Also, Bengie is there who constantly comes with me in my sessions and other exhausting activities that is required for my recuperation. My sister remains distant but more loving. Just the perfect amount of normal and extra care that I need. I have my friends (about 3 I guess who knows about my condition) who helps me remember that this side of me is just a very small portion of myself.
Of course, I will not forget that God is always there with me too. I can feel Him in the people around me. I know because I hear Him, I feel Him, I see him in their love for me.
This whole fear, anxiety and depression about being alone and vulnerable is on a surface level. I found it very deep because, well, I didn't see what I can see now.
I can stay afloat, I can walk out of this.
Showing posts with label serious matters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label serious matters. Show all posts
Monday, July 6, 2015
Thursday, December 4, 2014
What in the world just happened?!
Its Friday, 10:25 am in my humble carrel in the EED Workroom. I get a sudden attack of realisations of what has been happening to me recently.
Is this happening? Reality check, 1, 2, 3.
My strong relationship with B has started to crumble as our self concept and trust started to rust as well. We have reached the point where we are toxic to each other's dreams and struggles. We found ourselves deciding to walk separate ways, and if the roads we take meet, it's all under God's plan.
At this point, I am numb. I cannot feel anything, not even sadness. Or maybe I am so used to being despair, that I no longer notice it. I caught myself tearing up in my solitude. Again, I have let myself down.
I dread and look forward to being on my own. Dread the loneliness, looking forward for the independence and freedom. But that was taken away even before it was handed to me.
Before the final walk away, I was given another space to think about in my mind. Who used to be just a personality I correspond and look up to confessed his affections for me. Knowing that he need not any response, it became an FYI. Being the radical that I am, I immediately cleared up the air and told him that I cannot return the same affection to him whether I am with B, or if I stand alone.
I spent the whole day thinking about the confession. How could you not love without asking for it in return? Can I remain a friend to this person? Can I trust him?
It is pretty much clear to me that friends is all we're ever gonna be. However, there are other concerns that are plaguing me:
Although estranged for 12 years, a married man. I have strong convictions regarding this.
Although friendship seem to be harmless, my fear is if he tries to push the line a little too farther.
His affections will not make me stronger in my most vulnerable state.
I don't want him to be hopeful for something that will never be there.
I don't want this to complicate my healing process.
So over all, I really want us to remain civil. friends. nothing special. nothing more. Would it be too much to demand such from a guy who is just bewitched with me? *smack in the head with a hammer. no. make that a mallet.) Kidding aside, Is it possible to remain just friends?
How about that? I managed to compose an entry sounding like a first world girl problem.. Never in my life I thought I'd encounter such.
I guess, this is really it. My innocence and youth has gave way to life. I am a woman.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Life: Repeat Steps 1, 2, 3
So lost in haze and urgency
the unending questions in life
"who am I? what will i be?"
I searched out and within the heart
with a braveheart I set on roads
to where you inqure, i dont know.
every passing chance, sure I rode
this all, to feel that I am alive
the closest to the dream, i took
moons passed, season changed
perseverance and pain I brood
to reach that final release day
more moons and moons and suns and suns
longer agony and ecstasy
to the cliff i already shun
to be caught off guard, i lost chance.
I cannot undo nor go back,
the pain and push just made me strong
I must travel on a new track
until i find the light that's mine.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Corruption
Today, I STOOD AGAINST CORRUPTION.
Two guys came in our house to set up the telephone line and the internet connection. Now days ahead of that, i asked my mother if there is any fee i should pay in case they come, and she said that all fees will reflect in our telephone bill. However one of the repairmen came up to me and told me they'd have to change and add wires because the location of the boarding house is quite far from the main road. So they have extra wire that they will use.... blah blah. My head started to spin so I interrupted him, "so what should i do about that?" He was stunned. then he said something about extra charge, so I started asking more specifically. If i finally get his explanation right, He said he's gonna need to charge me because they will have extra wires... (lets just skip this part.) As i was in the middle of my blur, I had a thought, isnt all these are computed by the PLDT, why the hell should i pay? I only have 50 pesos here, and Dang, he better give me a good reason why should i give it to him. Unfortunately, I found out he's just messing with my intellectual ability. There's no point in paying him after all. Its a scam.
I try to make it my daily habit to stand against corruption, even in little ways. My advocacy started a few days ago (which soon i regret for not noting the date, I didnt know it would be such a significant day in my life) When I paid the fair for the jeepney, but the driver just stared at me for a few seconds, and ignored my signals that i am waiting for my change. It seems normal for everyone, I could even attest to that. My transportation fair from antipolo to lrt station is 18 pesos, but everytime i hand over 20 peso bill, 2 out of 10 chances that i would get my 2 peso change. That has been a regular part of my morning routine. it annoys me yes, but i felt there's nothing i can do about it.
Now i stare at this driver who wont give me my change back. Why is he different from the other drivers (and conductors) that stole a few coins from me? why do i suddenly feel all heated up? Then i remember the talk i heard in the Christian Life Program i am attending at SFC antipolo. "when sin is around us, when wrong doings are done by most people, we become oblivious to it, we shut our eyes and refuse to differ that it is wrong." With that thought entering my mind, I knew that it was time. I played blind all these time.
That's it.
I prayed, and I said,
"Manong, can i get my change, please?"
He stared at me for a while before handing the 1 peso change. i held tightly that 1 peso, that 1 peso that changed my life, changed my ways.
Being a filipino, I am not proud when i say this, the filipino culture is indeed mixed up with the ways of corruption. Its harsh yes, its too straightforward, yes. But how long shall i deny it? I see it happening, I see it everyday in the streets, in school, in tv, everywhere. I am so exposed to it that i even had a hard time identifying if it is a form of corruption. All these time, I thought that 'ah, thats how it should be eh." I dont want to make excuses anymore. Sure i wont become a president of the Philippines to fight corruption, because all these time, I learned that the real power to stop corruption is within the common citizens.
My call to you is,
Let us stop corruption in simple ways. Let us bring back the dignified Filipino culture that we lost a long time ago.
Do not bribe; taking shortcuts by paying fixers, paying that police traffic enforcers, or giving something to your little brother so he wont tell you is a form of bribery. WE all try to bribe so we can skip the long and tedious consequences for us.
follow the due process. This is connected with the first. If we have the will to follow the due process at the first place, we wont even think about bribing. Here's a fact: we are actually creating not shortcuts, but long cuts. If there is no one bribing, all the processes in offices are put in order, no one will try to delay because there would be no point at doing it, when everybody knows that corruption is not tolerated there. soon enough, people will be focusing on making plans on how to speeden the system, rather than coming up with plans how to 'fix' the system caused by the damage of ill ways.
THINK. Who haven't heard the saying "walang maloloko, kung walang papaloko?" Its true. Most people target those people who are easily intimidated. If an aggressor thinks he can make you fold and resolve to abusing you, he'll do it. The repairman who visited my house gave me a very complicated explanation on why he should charge me for the telephone services. I didnt understand him of course, but if i didnt ask him to explain it to me, if i didnt ask every single questionable statement he gave me, he would have fooled me in giving him money. its not expected of us to become more knowledgeable than them, we cant be masters at everything, but showing them you are eager to know all this will alarm them. Remember; they dont expect you to fully understand that they are scamming you, but they dont also expect you to put effort in understanding, so TRY TO UNDERSTAND
! and most importantly, PRAY. It can get very intimidating and scary to stand up against the man. It can cause you humiliation, time, and sometimes even your life. But if you believe in yourself that you can do it, all you have to do is to ask for God's Grace, He will not abandon you for doing what is good. I admit that i am a coward, i am opinionated, but i am the type that keep it to myself, but that time that the jeepney driver tried to intimidate me, I asked for God's grace. "Lord, I am about to ask this big driver to give me my change, please help me move according to what is right, say it properly that i will not hurt him, please give me the courage to do it. amen."
These are my few advices based on my experience. You see, i dont have much. I' have just started my fight against corruption, and yes, i will start small. I will try my very best to commit to it as much as possible. I can feel that the Lord God will not abandon me now that i am in this fight against corruption. What is in it for you, you ask?
The feeling is beyond words. But what i can assure you is that, it feels so good to actually try and do something, rather than just complain and do nothing. its worth a try, I promise.
If a coward like me can do it, why cant you?
Two guys came in our house to set up the telephone line and the internet connection. Now days ahead of that, i asked my mother if there is any fee i should pay in case they come, and she said that all fees will reflect in our telephone bill. However one of the repairmen came up to me and told me they'd have to change and add wires because the location of the boarding house is quite far from the main road. So they have extra wire that they will use.... blah blah. My head started to spin so I interrupted him, "so what should i do about that?" He was stunned. then he said something about extra charge, so I started asking more specifically. If i finally get his explanation right, He said he's gonna need to charge me because they will have extra wires... (lets just skip this part.) As i was in the middle of my blur, I had a thought, isnt all these are computed by the PLDT, why the hell should i pay? I only have 50 pesos here, and Dang, he better give me a good reason why should i give it to him. Unfortunately, I found out he's just messing with my intellectual ability. There's no point in paying him after all. Its a scam.
I try to make it my daily habit to stand against corruption, even in little ways. My advocacy started a few days ago (which soon i regret for not noting the date, I didnt know it would be such a significant day in my life) When I paid the fair for the jeepney, but the driver just stared at me for a few seconds, and ignored my signals that i am waiting for my change. It seems normal for everyone, I could even attest to that. My transportation fair from antipolo to lrt station is 18 pesos, but everytime i hand over 20 peso bill, 2 out of 10 chances that i would get my 2 peso change. That has been a regular part of my morning routine. it annoys me yes, but i felt there's nothing i can do about it.
Now i stare at this driver who wont give me my change back. Why is he different from the other drivers (and conductors) that stole a few coins from me? why do i suddenly feel all heated up? Then i remember the talk i heard in the Christian Life Program i am attending at SFC antipolo. "when sin is around us, when wrong doings are done by most people, we become oblivious to it, we shut our eyes and refuse to differ that it is wrong." With that thought entering my mind, I knew that it was time. I played blind all these time.
That's it.
I prayed, and I said,
"Manong, can i get my change, please?"
He stared at me for a while before handing the 1 peso change. i held tightly that 1 peso, that 1 peso that changed my life, changed my ways.
Being a filipino, I am not proud when i say this, the filipino culture is indeed mixed up with the ways of corruption. Its harsh yes, its too straightforward, yes. But how long shall i deny it? I see it happening, I see it everyday in the streets, in school, in tv, everywhere. I am so exposed to it that i even had a hard time identifying if it is a form of corruption. All these time, I thought that 'ah, thats how it should be eh." I dont want to make excuses anymore. Sure i wont become a president of the Philippines to fight corruption, because all these time, I learned that the real power to stop corruption is within the common citizens.
My call to you is,
Let us stop corruption in simple ways. Let us bring back the dignified Filipino culture that we lost a long time ago.
Do not bribe; taking shortcuts by paying fixers, paying that police traffic enforcers, or giving something to your little brother so he wont tell you is a form of bribery. WE all try to bribe so we can skip the long and tedious consequences for us.
follow the due process. This is connected with the first. If we have the will to follow the due process at the first place, we wont even think about bribing. Here's a fact: we are actually creating not shortcuts, but long cuts. If there is no one bribing, all the processes in offices are put in order, no one will try to delay because there would be no point at doing it, when everybody knows that corruption is not tolerated there. soon enough, people will be focusing on making plans on how to speeden the system, rather than coming up with plans how to 'fix' the system caused by the damage of ill ways.
THINK. Who haven't heard the saying "walang maloloko, kung walang papaloko?" Its true. Most people target those people who are easily intimidated. If an aggressor thinks he can make you fold and resolve to abusing you, he'll do it. The repairman who visited my house gave me a very complicated explanation on why he should charge me for the telephone services. I didnt understand him of course, but if i didnt ask him to explain it to me, if i didnt ask every single questionable statement he gave me, he would have fooled me in giving him money. its not expected of us to become more knowledgeable than them, we cant be masters at everything, but showing them you are eager to know all this will alarm them. Remember; they dont expect you to fully understand that they are scamming you, but they dont also expect you to put effort in understanding, so TRY TO UNDERSTAND
! and most importantly, PRAY. It can get very intimidating and scary to stand up against the man. It can cause you humiliation, time, and sometimes even your life. But if you believe in yourself that you can do it, all you have to do is to ask for God's Grace, He will not abandon you for doing what is good. I admit that i am a coward, i am opinionated, but i am the type that keep it to myself, but that time that the jeepney driver tried to intimidate me, I asked for God's grace. "Lord, I am about to ask this big driver to give me my change, please help me move according to what is right, say it properly that i will not hurt him, please give me the courage to do it. amen."
These are my few advices based on my experience. You see, i dont have much. I' have just started my fight against corruption, and yes, i will start small. I will try my very best to commit to it as much as possible. I can feel that the Lord God will not abandon me now that i am in this fight against corruption. What is in it for you, you ask?
The feeling is beyond words. But what i can assure you is that, it feels so good to actually try and do something, rather than just complain and do nothing. its worth a try, I promise.
If a coward like me can do it, why cant you?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Manila Bus Seige
Everybody was taken by surprise by what happened. I'm done trying to defend the country for what has happened. the "dont blame the whole nation for one man's fault" crap. Because no matter how hard one tries, it will not calm down the angry hearts of HK nationals. They're very brothers were killed in a foreign country where the government is expected to keep them safe. How the Specialized Unit was supposed to rescue them alive because they work best at it. They are so angry at us, at Philippines, at my people, and all we can do is to bow down and accept their taunts. The question is, when will it come to an end? what can be done to end it?
So many what Ifs i have in mind, so many regrets. then i realized, why bother sulk into the things that never happened and never will? I tried to look forward to the future, but all i see is full of negativity. It scares me to move forward. But it scares me more to be stuck where i am forever. I'm scared that the Philippines will be stuck here forever. I'm done feeling sorry for my country. So many times we made the world laugh because of our kapalpakan. All these, i blame to ourselves. What change are we all waiting for to actually start using our minds? When are we gonna start to move forward? Its never the answer to stop and be sentimental for every tumbles we will encounter! after so many centuries, what push do we need to finally move forward?!
So many what Ifs i have in mind, so many regrets. then i realized, why bother sulk into the things that never happened and never will? I tried to look forward to the future, but all i see is full of negativity. It scares me to move forward. But it scares me more to be stuck where i am forever. I'm scared that the Philippines will be stuck here forever. I'm done feeling sorry for my country. So many times we made the world laugh because of our kapalpakan. All these, i blame to ourselves. What change are we all waiting for to actually start using our minds? When are we gonna start to move forward? Its never the answer to stop and be sentimental for every tumbles we will encounter! after so many centuries, what push do we need to finally move forward?!
DAMN IT!!
Be angry that what happened was embarrassing. Be angry that the whole nation is to be blamed for one man's fault. Be angry that I want change to come from me and see a concrete result. Be angry that I know I cant do it alone. Be angry that I doubt everyone will do the same. Be angry that I am a Filipino.
Be angry that after everything I am still proud to be one.
Be angry that after everything I am still proud to be one.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sometimes
Being able to read people aren't so cool. You lay in either both extremes:
Everything becomes predictable, or it becomes a brain twister.
You lose thrill in everything, or you're curious center is activated like hell
You become manipulative, or a laid back and see how things goes.
Haha. I do miss freaking people out with this, but sometimes, I wish I couldn't do this so I would not know.
Imagine that.
Me, wanting not to know. hmmm...
I might not be myself right now.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
2010 election
It feels good being able to vote. but i didnt know it feels so bad when the person you vote for didnt win. All of your visions of a good governance died with his loss. Gordon and Teodoro are my presidents but i had to vote for the "greater of two goods" Teodoro is a neophyte in politics, but give him 6 more years, he'll be ready. Gordon, my vote wasnt a waste with you. All they can throw at you is that you have popular (not better) opponents, aside that, no other nega criticisms for you. you are good enough. I promised myself i'll be more responsible after i vote. I will have no rights to blabber how unright it is for the elected president to win. I will give Noynoy a chance. It is my duty to do so. I still believe in the Philippines.
P.S.
The hell with ERAP voters. Di na natuto. Bwiset!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Mistakes
The more i stay in my current setting, the more i realize how hurtful i have been to people. I hurt people who didnt even do anything to me. i took people for granted because everyone seems to be doing it.
My external locust of control would say: blame it on peer pressure! you want to belong!
My internal locust of control would blame my incompetence to stand up for my own principles. I was a coward.
For the first time, I felt that I dont belong to this setting, I dont like what I am becoming. As I think about it, I dont think the best resort is to leave but rather stay. I am challenging myself to be the person I believe I am despite that I am surrounded by all these bad vibes. From now on, I will actualize my principles, and will be brave to stand up without getting intimidated by my peers. Anyway whatever I do, they ought to judge me anyway.
If you have the courage to hurt people, you must be more courageous to say sorry. - Sir Rocky.
I should start saying sorry to those people. God, please guide me through this.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Hail Hitler!
Was skimming through my Facebook wall when I found:
Hitler- A god. hmmm
My Uncles, ladies and gentlemen!
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