Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Lent Day 7

Today I felt hopeless about completing my practicum hours. Opportunities pop out but are not favorable to my situation as a full time employed student. I found myself questioning him why present the things I cannot grab?

I still dont know until now. I constantly reminded myself today to be like a bird. Be happy and contented with what God gives me for the day. And today, I have a lot to be thankful for:

1. I got another take home practicum work
2. I got invited to a secret group that will help me prepare for my comprehensive exams.

Right now, Im convincing myself that these alone are enough.

Monday, March 2, 2020

Lent Day 6

Bravery without kindness, is hurtful. A dismissed security guard from GH hostaged several people for 10 hours today. He agreed to surrender at the exchange of being heard through a press conference in which he was tackled and taken down.

I imagine the courage that he had to do all of these. To go through last night, plotting his scheme. May the Lord continue to speak to me in times I will find myself in his level. May I continue to hear the Lord too.

No one deserves to go through that hell alone.  Lord, make me brave to journey with these people who are finding their way back to you.

Sunday, March 1, 2020

Lent Day 5

Today I joined a Dungeons and Dragons party. Its my very first one and I must admit, it was intimidating at first. I ended up having a lot of fun and I potentially have new friends too!

I am also given an opportunity to audition in MTQ choir. This might mean taking bolder steps in detaching from Ermita choir that is so loaded with friendship chaos. I dont know where this path leads, but I hope it will somehow help me overcome.  

Saturday, February 29, 2020

Lent Day 4

Today is a good day to set aside worries, make grand gestures of love and allow the real me to show. 

I'm starting to become more at peace with the fact I can't make people like me no matter how hard I try. I paid him a visit, went to look for crafting inspirations and just relaxed. Im not sure if this is integral to my lenten journey, but today, I felt kind to myself. And I think that was worth remembering. 

Friday, February 28, 2020

Lent Day 3

Today, I chose to take a break. My heart needs it. I allowed people to connect with me, I gave my full attention when I talked, and simply remained present.

I thought of her too, and asked my partner how could he stand such a person? I heard in his voice how indifferent he is. He has accepted that she will not change, and all that's left to do now is to move on.

She didnt reply to me at all. I think this goes to show that it is time for me to move on as well. Ill focus on being kind without trying to be liked. I'll focus on being genuine without proving. I'll try to be me.

Thursday, February 27, 2020

Lent Day 2

How does one allow a toxic person in his life, through acceptance and love? 

I somewhat got a bit more enlightened that to accept does not mean to tolerate. While there are still a lot more for me to learn on how to do this, I am grateful that I have people who walk with me as I discover ways on how to love without anything in return. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Lent Day 1

For this year, I decided to document my Lenten journey for an important reason: I carry with me problems that bring me near my breaking point. One of my resolutions this year is to become the strongest version I can be, and I know my problems are essential in that development.  So instead of giving my problems more power, I will turn them into my personal crosses that I will carry with the Lord this Lenten season. Through these crosses, I pray that God will lead me to be in better union with Jesus.

As of now, my crosses take 3 forms.

The first cross is the family of my partner. I have been strongly prejudiced by them even before. My background, and perhaps my personality are not something to their liking. My upbringing, my virtues, my vocation have been all looked down upon in the past. Very recently, I carry the pain of this cross in my heart caused by being taken at fault for being the recipient of the love of her son.

The second cross is my graduate studies. I am seemingly near the finish line, but under the predicaments that I am disadvantaged to even finish.  There is a sliver of hope, but realistically speaking, the odds aren't looking well. My situation as a part time student is a real disadvantage and quitting my job will disable me of finishing my degree. I find myself stuck with the heavy burden of finishing my degree, with the full knowledge that I will not finish it. This cross feels like I am walking towards a destination, but the path keeps on getting longer and longer.

The third cross is my sister's status in the states. She chased after her dreams but for a very expensive cost. This dream chase has caused our family so much sacrifice; financially, mentally, and physically drained. There are no assurances that things will turn out okay for my sister, but going back is not an option anymore. I find myself walking aimlessly with this cross on my shoulder. No destination. No known end.

In this season of Lent, I intend to do daily reflections about my life as I continuously carry these in my heart. By bringing my attention to these crosses, I am hopeful to be given the grace to recognize the times I will encounter Him. By bringing my attention to these crosses, I am gonna try to recognize ever bit of effort, little successes, and everything to be grateful for. Hopefully, at the end of this Lenten journey, even if my problems remain to be the same, I hope to be stronger and a more faithful daughter of God.

Lord, grant me the grace to become the strong person I know you desire me to be. Help me learn how to lean on you always. 

Sunday, February 23, 2020

Growth

I’ve come to grow into the person I never expected to be.

Until 3 years ago, I am a vindictive, resentful person who is moved by hurt. I cut off people who hate me, I cut off toxic relationships, and I do not change my opinion of others.

Well, I’ve changed.

Through God’s grace, I learned that there is a beauty in knowing how to win an argument, but choosing not to engage in the first place. I never thought that a time would ever come that I’d be this person. Don’t mistake me, I still get hurt a lot. But for some reason, i could easily move on now, or make decisions that aren't born out of hurt or resentment, take my friend’s mother as an example. She embodies the woman that I fear to become. She hurts the people around her, deliberately and unknowingly, because she is enslaved of her own weaknesses and insecurities. She has given the fear of displeasing others, so much power; that at most times, it is at the expense of hurting her children, controlling their lives, disapproving their life decisions. She often make foolish arguments with foolish rationale that when she finds herself losing the argument, she attacks the person’s intelligence. Insecure, hurtful, weak, and controlling; I fear that I will become like her if I don't overcome my own hurts. Just completely insufferable.

In the past years, she affected me a lot, not only because she triggers my greatest fears, but also because well, she doesn’t like me and has attacked me many times in the past. It is a continuous struggle to be cordial to her. My friend seeks refuge and counsel in me when they fight, and it takes great self-control and surrender to God to do my best not to turn him against her. I could easily do it. I know I could, but like what I said, this friendship has changed me in the years that I fought for this. Instead of giving in to my primal instinct, I influence him to take the higher ground, be the bigger man, by making the first move to  forgive them.

Could this be the ‘agape’ love my spiritual director speaks of?

As I continue to walk through the path that God has asked me to, I learned that it won’t be as easy as walking my highway. There are still bumps along this road. What is sustaining me is, then consolation that as long as I keep on walking the way of God, as long as I dont waver away from Him, even if I don’t know what lies ahead, things will turn out okay. For the things I cannot control, God is in control.



Wednesday, June 12, 2019

What’s My Problem? (April 16, 2019)

You know what my problem is?
 I admitted that I have a problem with being clingy. 
Though am I really?
 Or am I just expressing my love language? 

You know what my problem is? 
You agreed that I have a problem with being clingy. 
I always think and tell myself youre busy that is why I do not hear from you.
But do you also think of what I go through at those times? 

You know what the problem is?
We agreed that I have a problem with being clingy. 
It puts me on a negative light and I promised to  adjust so we can workout. 
But what have you done to adjust for being in a relationship with someone like me?  

You know what the problem is? 
You are in a relationship with a person whose mind is disposed to think being forgotten and irrelevant. 
Receiving affirmations from  loved ones, big or small is what I will tell me I matter still. 

You know what the problem is? 
I expect you to know these things,
I should have not done that as I clearly know,
expectations lead to disappointment.

You know what the problem is? 
I am not sure if all these are real problems. 
But Im hurt and upset because of these. 
Are these real? And how do I not get hurt by make-believe? 





Unsent Letter





11/03/2018
10:18 pm 
Maybe its the wedding emotional high, but I am quite disappointed that you were mostly off the grid lately because you were with family. Well, i dont want to mention this to you because it already makes me unreasonable to demand some of your supposed family  time to check on me once in a while. It sounds clingy. Though i wish it wouldve come from you. I guess this is one of those time i feel you have taken me for granted. I dont exactly know how, but i think I need to remind you of my value in this relationship. For the week to come, I am gonna try to avoid my interactions with you, or even break plans to accommodate you. If you want to be with me, you have to put an effort to do so. 

I know thay deep inside, i still cannot reconcile whether im unreasonably clingy or not. Nevertheless, I am tired of this feeling. 

Im home. Before i turn in, i need to say something to you. 

I didnt want to message you at all tonight because I am not sure if you are even thinking about me, but I dont want you to worry so i changed my mind. 

Truth be told, i dont like one bit that lately, we put off checking on each other for hours and hours because we are occupied with other things. Look, theres nothing wrong with that, but i think proper closure and setting before disappearing is not that difficult too?  I lost count on how many times i checked my phone for notifs from you and end up feeling ignored and forgotten. 

Its so hard for me to admit this because 1. We always have something to quarrel about on a weekly basis and its tiring. 2. Saying this makes me realize how clingy i am and ita unhealthy. 3. I guess i was used to being pursued and now its different and it makes me feel neglected. 

I tried ending the relationship several times, because i do not feel good about myself and i just want to start again knowing how to love myself and understand myself better. I love you, Bear, but i dont feel good about myself anymore, and its not like youre doing something too to help me cope.  You dont want to let go of me, but we cant be in this cycle forever. 

Your girlfriend is currently very insecure and doesnt know how to fix it.  What are you gonna do about it, curt? 

10/29/2018 
1:23 am 
I regret holding on to your promise last night, when you said we’ll be messaging this weekend so I wouldnt feel as lonely. I get that you are busy and was maximizing time with family, but i feel like a text once in a while, or a simple kumusta would have sufficed. Just anything to feel remembered, not because I’m clingy, but because you gave me your word. I have to admit, I was really let down. 


Silverlining is  i discovered today that i can be okay even without you in it. I think i’m gonna try that over and over until I become strong and stop hateing myself for feeling this way for you. Look,  we love each other. We’re both works in progress. We work together, and independentlyI dont want to keep on making you feel small, so i’m keeping this to myself.