Nalulumbay

There are more days now that I go to bed, thinking how lonely I am. How longing I am for the nights I will be able to hug him in our rest. I think of how another day has passed without him with me. How can I ask for more when he has given me so much? He needs more time. I feel I am running out of time. What should I do? 

I want to be with him, but he is not ready for me. His path towards this relationship is much harder than mine. He is on the verge of losing his family. They currently stand turbulent grounds already, what more if he takes it further with me? He has been clear about wanting to gain proper footing  He wants to focus on himself, on his growth.

How can I feel guilty and selfish at the same time of wanting to be with him, when I know that the stakes are higher for him? Do I put him first, or do I face the reality that I am lonely and so something about it? 

 Somehow, I am not sure what the Lord is telling me. What is the more loving decision? To let him go of the pressure of having to seemingly choose between me and his family? Will waiting for the family's acceptance and C's financial readiness be a loving decision towards myself? 

I will admit that it still hurts to think about the broken dreams I used to have, because I have chosen to wait for Curt for 3 years now. Is it still the loving decision to keep on choosing him? Or should I listen to the loneliness and discontentment I feel about this relationship's slow pace? 

Lord, you know that I love you, but I do not know what your will is. Please help me discover your will for me. Open my heart and my eyes to your truth. Grant me the grace of courage to see what I choose not to see due to my pride and stubbornness. Help me love like you.