It's Black Saturday and I just finished the Triduum retreat given by Fr. Johnny Go. You see, the temptation to 'skip lent' is severe, after all, it feels like I have been living in Lent the whole year! So I picked up a thing or two from my prayer experiences and prayed for the grace to practice 'Agere Contra'. With God's abundant grace, my Lent was salvaged, all thanks to the retreat mentioned.
The essential questions for this year's Lenten season are, "In relation to our context now, why did Jesus do what he did the way he did it? How can I respond to see Him more clearly, that I may love Him more dearly, so I may follow Him more nearly?"
Maundy Thursday focused on "Letting the good" and the emotion of FEAR.
I prayed over the metaphor of God as a gardener. He, who plants, nurtures and takes care. He, who allows us to interact with other variables in the open system of life. He who wills the best for his plants, but allows the consequences of our interaction with the open system (whether intended or unintended) to befall on us. Nahiya ako kay Lord, kasi ang tingin ko pala sa kanya noon, 'vending machine'. I put a coin, then I expect something from Him.
"Lord, I was faithful to you, why did you let this happen?"
"Lord, I strived to be pleasing to your eyes, why did you forsake me?"
"Lord, I deserve a better service than this. I want a refund. I'd like to speak to your manager." JK. haha
This lead me to put myself in the shoes (or sandals, since you know, ancient) of Jesus. Jesus, who also asked, "Father, why have you forsaken me?" Sounds resentful, sounds afraid. I would be too. In the retreat, I entered into a contemplation of the passage that started it all.
Remember how Jesus asked his friends to keep watch while He prays in the Gethsemane? Notice how He would keep on returning to his disciples, only to find them asleep? Jesus. He probably have 100% prayer concentration, yet he kept on stopping his prayers to go to his friends. I dont know about you, but as for me, when I do this, I'm stalling. Was Jesus stalling? In my prayer imagination, he certainly was. He was afraid to say 'Your will be done." He knew what was to happen, he even verbalized it (Take this cup away from me, not by my will but yours). Jesus, who was the favorite of God (well, because God repeatedly performed awesomeness publicly to establish Jesus' status: his birth with the singing angels, the booming voice during baptism, the VIP guests during transfiguration) is now calling out his father, but he was silent. His friends let him down, and he was publicly hated. I imagine him to be very heartbroken.
Was Jesus faithless for feeling this fearful? Absolutely not. His fear did not invalidate his faith in the Lord. You know, I often get told that I have weak faith because I fear a lot because of anxiety. Today, I am consoled that like Jesus, I can be faithful when I am fearful. During the retreat, I came to understand that faith is not seen in the absence of fear, but it can be operationalized in three ways:
Faith, when operationalized, means:
1. Trust - I believe in God's goodness amidst all odds (the most common understanding of faith)
2. Commitment - No turning back after saying 'God, your will be done' (commonly understood in the context of faithfulness in marriage)
3. Discernment - surprise! haha yes faith can be practiced through the 'Discernment of Spirits.' I'd like to talk more about this. In my spiritual guidance, I learned that only God can touch our hearts (consolation without previous cause). Both the good and the evil spirits may only influence my thoughts, and my thoughts are the gateway to my heart. (very C.B.T., which is a new science, but mind you, St. Ignatius conceptualized this centuries ago Going back to my point, through discernment, I may show my faith in the Lord by guarding my thoughts that leads to my heart.
Did I make sense? Don't worry, half of the time, I don't understand it too, and I have been practicing this exercise for 2 years now. :P I am patient though, I am consoled that God reveals Himself to me in his own way.
There is goodness in everything. Discern that there is good in everyone. In my imagination, Jesus finally said 'Your will be done' amidst his fear, not because he was washed with courage, but because he was faithful to God. He was probably also faithful to us (through discernment that there is a good in us worth dying for) that moved him to keep on loving us to the Cross.
Dearest Father,
Grant me the grace to have faith in my trust, in my commitment, and in my discernment. Help me see that in the open system of life, your original goodness abounds. Amen.
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