Of Diagnosis and Spiritual Consolation

 Last night, i experienced consolation from the Lord. I went down for a walk around our compound. I was all alone and for 5 seconds, I felt an intense peace and just an overall feeling of flying. My right hand was warm and i thought to myself, maybe the lord is holding my hand right now as I fly. I closed my eyes and I immediately saw that I was flying over the clouds, slowly and calmly.

There was no music, nothing  much to see (since it was dark) but that happened to me. It only lasted a short time, so when I ask God, "can you do it again?" I think he said  no and laughed. hahaha we proceeded to talk afterwards and I think I had received something new from him.

Our convo went like this: 

Me: Do you love me, even if I doubt your will for me?

Jesus: When did I ever not love you?

Me: My life will change because of cyclothymia.. 

Jesus: When did I ever leave your side through the changes?

Me: I will get hurt. a LOT.

Jesus: When did you ever get hurt without my healing? 

Me: You know that I love you, but you make loving you very hard for me, Lord. 

Jesus: Have you considered that this may be a gift? You see it as a life sentence, a curse, but with this, I actually get to keep you closer to me, forever.

Jesus: Its not an accident that your healing comes through your spirituality. You seek me, and I keep you close to me. You have always responded so lovingly to my calling, and you have received my blessing always. 

Me: But I want to achieve more, ______ will limit me.. I want to do more for you, you know that. 

Jesus: But I do want you to do more, more than what the society's measure of "more"

Jesus: I give you the gift of being forever conscious of balancing your life with me. The gift to have a strong reason always to seek me, and my love. You may think of it as a curse, because I am sometimes not the center of your life. But I know your heart. and I hope you recognize your heart, the way I recognize it, Kat.

So i'll keep in my heart 2 things from this prayer: 

1. that the Lord is always with me, even during the downies of this conditon. 

2. getting diagnosed with cyclothymia is a curse and a blessing. Curse because it will hurt me a lot, I cant be too down, or too high. However it is a blessing because it will be my reason to prioritize balancing my life, with God. I have a stronger anchor, kahit ung anchor na yon, e pain ko. haha