What in the world just happened?!

Its Friday, 10:25 am in my humble carrel in the EED Workroom. I get a sudden attack of realisations of what has been happening to me recently.

Is this happening? Reality check, 1, 2, 3.

My strong relationship with B has started to crumble as our self concept and trust started to rust as well. We have reached the point where we are toxic to each other's dreams and struggles. We found ourselves deciding to walk separate ways, and if the roads we take meet, it's all under God's plan.

At this point, I am numb. I cannot feel anything, not even sadness. Or maybe I am so used to being despair, that I no longer notice it. I caught myself tearing up in my solitude. Again, I have let myself down.

I dread and look forward to being on my own. Dread the loneliness, looking forward for the independence and freedom. But that was taken away even before it was handed to me.

Before the final walk away, I was given another space to think about in my mind. Who used to be just a personality I correspond and look up to confessed his affections for me. Knowing that he need not any response, it became an FYI. Being the radical that I am, I immediately cleared up the air and told him that I cannot return the same affection to him whether I am with B, or if I stand alone.

I spent the whole day thinking about the confession. How could you not love without asking for it in return? Can I remain a friend to this person? Can I trust him?

It is pretty much clear to me that friends is all we're ever gonna be. However, there are other concerns that are plaguing me:
Although estranged for 12 years, a married man. I have strong convictions regarding this.
Although friendship seem to be harmless, my fear is if he tries to push the line a little too farther.
His affections will not make me stronger in my most vulnerable state.
I don't want him to be hopeful for something that will never be there.
I don't want this to complicate my healing process.

So over all, I really want us to remain civil. friends. nothing special. nothing more. Would it be too much to demand such from a guy who is just bewitched with me? *smack in the head with a hammer. no. make that a mallet.) Kidding aside, Is it possible to remain just friends?

How about that? I managed to compose an entry sounding like a first world girl problem.. Never in my life I thought I'd encounter such.

I guess, this is really it. My innocence and youth has gave way to life. I am a woman.