Reality check.

I have anxiety. I get panic attacks.

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not a problem. I am not weak.

I try to put myself in others' and look at myself when i get the attacks, I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm such a burden to others.

My family would say not. Others wouldn't answer.

I have anxiety. I get panic attacks.

I feel so weak when i get them, I get so scared everytime.

although i feel that I am winning over some of my symptoms, I always get a new one. I get much more scared.

I have anxiety. I get panic attacks.

I dread that I will have to endure it for the rest of my life.

I fear that it will ruin me. I fear that i wont be good enough to be with anyone.

So i have anxiety. So I get panic attacks.

although I develop more symptoms, i learn to over come them even it takes time.

although it keeps coming back after some period of time, it still goes away somehow.

Like what I have been told, its like a memory. It will depend on how i will deal with it; i can conceal it, forget it, or remember it. But it will always be there.


So I have anxiety. So I get panic attacks.

I will encounter more problems that will make life more difficult for me. I'm holding on to my faith. I will survive because I am a child of God. He will always have my back. Thank you God, for making me like this. I feel stronger.

Maybe I can say these things because i dont feel it now. I dont have to upset myself all the time because i get those emotions once in a while.

I can be happy.

Lif is too damn short to be depressed all the time.

I'm gonna live it well.

Scrutiny=Scrunity

I consumed all the pages of my private diary. My emotion tank is filled today, so I'll have to talk personal.

I have been awfully drained today after the open forum (OPLAN 2SPED1 RESTORATION). Listening to all the complaints of my blockmates and not hearing any resolution really ticked me off. It made me very irritable; I get really annoyed with my friends under little-est things!

Ok, so I got irritable. Moving on.. My Sped3 class's current lesson is really interesting. Anxiety Disorders. I dont know, but as I learn more about it, the symptoms, the classifications, I keep assessing myself, and if I'd let the paranoid joi in, I'd say I have more or less Generalized Anxiety disorder, separation disorder, social phobia, Agoraphobia, and panic disorder. haha naah.. I'd be lying if I say I dont want to find out my real condition, but I might sound that I'm claiming I have a disorder. I might decide to get myself assessed one of these days. However I am sure that no matter the condition I will be diagnosed as, I'm still positive I'd get over it. Everybody says they have seen the improvements I had, and I must say I do to. I am better than before. The only thing that hasnt changed is how I looked at myself. I really want to feel good about myself, I just dont know how.

And lastly, my professor said something that hurt me in the inside, she questioned my competency to be a Special Education teacher. To be honest, the only criteria to be in this profession is to want to be here, and the rest will follow. I can improve. I can overcome my incompetencies, but I'm still here in this program. Although I am not sure if I can find the piece in myself to believe that I can do it. God has a reason why He lead me to this path, so I believe in Him.

"God, I dont understand you, but I believe You."


So much for a very tiring day..



I really need a diary.