Growth

I’ve come to grow into the person I never expected to be.

Until 3 years ago, I am a vindictive, resentful person who is moved by hurt. I cut off people who hate me, I cut off toxic relationships, and I do not change my opinion of others.

Well, I’ve changed.

Through God’s grace, I learned that there is a beauty in knowing how to win an argument, but choosing not to engage in the first place. I never thought that a time would ever come that I’d be this person. Don’t mistake me, I still get hurt a lot. But for some reason, i could easily move on now, or make decisions that aren't born out of hurt or resentment, take my friend’s mother as an example. She embodies the woman that I fear to become. She hurts the people around her, deliberately and unknowingly, because she is enslaved of her own weaknesses and insecurities. She has given the fear of displeasing others, so much power; that at most times, it is at the expense of hurting her children, controlling their lives, disapproving their life decisions. She often make foolish arguments with foolish rationale that when she finds herself losing the argument, she attacks the person’s intelligence. Insecure, hurtful, weak, and controlling; I fear that I will become like her if I don't overcome my own hurts. Just completely insufferable.

In the past years, she affected me a lot, not only because she triggers my greatest fears, but also because well, she doesn’t like me and has attacked me many times in the past. It is a continuous struggle to be cordial to her. My friend seeks refuge and counsel in me when they fight, and it takes great self-control and surrender to God to do my best not to turn him against her. I could easily do it. I know I could, but like what I said, this friendship has changed me in the years that I fought for this. Instead of giving in to my primal instinct, I influence him to take the higher ground, be the bigger man, by making the first move to  forgive them.

Could this be the ‘agape’ love my spiritual director speaks of?

As I continue to walk through the path that God has asked me to, I learned that it won’t be as easy as walking my highway. There are still bumps along this road. What is sustaining me is, then consolation that as long as I keep on walking the way of God, as long as I dont waver away from Him, even if I don’t know what lies ahead, things will turn out okay. For the things I cannot control, God is in control.