Unsent Letter

11/03/2018

10:18 pm 

Maybe its the wedding emotional high, but I am quite disappointed that you were mostly off the grid lately because you were with family. Well, i dont want to mention this to you because it already makes me unreasonable to demand some of your supposed family  time to check on me once in a while. It sounds clingy. Though i wish it wouldve come from you. I guess this is one of those time i feel you have taken me for granted. I dont exactly know how, but i think I need to remind you of my value in this relationship. For the week to come, I am gonna try to avoid my interactions with you, or even break plans to accommodate you. If you want to be with me, you have to put an effort to do so. 

I know thay deep inside, i still cannot reconcile whether im unreasonably clingy or not. Nevertheless, I am tired of this feeling. 

Im home. Before i turn in, i need to say something to you. 

I didnt want to message you at all tonight because I am not sure if you are even thinking about me, but I dont want you to worry so i changed my mind. 

Truth be told, i dont like one bit that lately, we put off checking on each other for hours and hours because we are occupied with other things. Look, theres nothing wrong with that, but i think proper closure and setting before disappearing is not that difficult too?  I lost count on how many times i checked my phone for notifs from you and end up feeling ignored and forgotten. 

Its so hard for me to admit this because 1. We always have something to quarrel about on a weekly basis and its tiring. 2. Saying this makes me realize how clingy i am and ita unhealthy. 3. I guess i was used to being pursued and now its different and it makes me feel neglected. 

I tried ending the relationship several times, because i do not feel good about myself and i just want to start again knowing how to love myself and understand myself better. I love you, Bear, but i dont feel good about myself anymore, and its not like youre doing something too to help me cope.  You dont want to let go of me, but we cant be in this cycle forever. 

Your girlfriend is currently very insecure and doesnt know how to fix it.  What are you gonna do about it, curt? 

10/29/2018 

1:23 am 

I regret holding on to your promise last night, when you said we’ll be messaging this weekend so I wouldnt feel as lonely. I get that you are busy and was maximizing time with family, but i feel like a text once in a while, or a simple kumusta would have sufficed. Just anything to feel remembered, not because I’m clingy, but because you gave me your word. I have to admit, I was really let down. 

Silverlining is  i discovered today that i can be okay even without you in it. I think i’m gonna try that over and over until I become strong and stop hateing myself for feeling this way for you. Look,  we love each other. We’re both works in progress. We work together, and independentlyI dont want to keep on making you feel small, so i’m keeping this to myself.