Lenten Retreat Part 1: Letting the Good

 It's Black Saturday and I just finished the Triduum retreat given by Fr. Johnny Go. You see, the temptation to 'skip lent' is severe, after all, it feels like I have been living in Lent the whole year! So I picked up a thing or two from my prayer experiences and prayed for the grace to practice 'Agere Contra'. With God's abundant grace, my Lent was salvaged, all thanks to the retreat mentioned. 

The essential questions for this year's Lenten season are, "In relation to our context now, why did Jesus do what he did the way he did it? How can I respond to see Him more clearly, that I may love Him more dearly, so I may follow Him more nearly?" 

Maundy Thursday focused on "Letting the good" and the emotion of FEAR. 

I prayed over the metaphor of God as a gardener. He, who plants, nurtures and takes care. He, who allows us to interact with other variables in the open system of life. He who wills the best for his plants, but allows the consequences of our interaction with the open system (whether intended or unintended) to befall on us.  Nahiya ako kay Lord, kasi ang tingin ko pala sa kanya noon, 'vending machine'. I put a coin, then I expect something from Him. 

"Lord, I was faithful to you, why did you let this happen?" 

"Lord, I strived to be pleasing to your eyes, why did you forsake me?" 

"Lord, I deserve a better service than this. I want a refund. I'd like to speak to your manager." JK. haha

This lead me to put myself in the shoes (or sandals, since you know, ancient) of Jesus. Jesus, who also asked, "Father, why have you forsaken me?" Sounds resentful, sounds afraid. I would be too. In the retreat, I entered into a contemplation of the passage that started it all. 

Remember how Jesus asked his friends to keep watch while He prays in the Gethsemane? Notice how He would keep on returning to his disciples, only to find them asleep? Jesus. He probably have 100% prayer concentration, yet he kept on stopping his prayers to go to his friends. I dont know about you, but as for me, when I do this, I'm stalling. Was Jesus stalling? In my prayer imagination, he certainly was. He was afraid to say 'Your will be done." He knew what was to happen, he even verbalized it (Take this cup away from me, not by my will but yours).  Jesus, who was the favorite of God (well, because God repeatedly performed awesomeness publicly to establish Jesus' status: his birth with the singing angels, the booming voice during baptism, the VIP guests during transfiguration)  is now calling out his father, but he was silent. His friends let him down, and he was publicly hated. I imagine him to be very heartbroken. 

Was Jesus faithless for feeling this fearful? Absolutely not. His fear did not invalidate his faith in the Lord. You know, I often get told that I have weak faith because I fear a lot because of anxiety. Today, I am consoled that like Jesus, I can be faithful when I am fearful. During the retreat, I came to understand that faith is not seen in the absence of fear, but it can be operationalized in three ways: 

Faith, when operationalized, means:

1. Trust - I believe in God's goodness amidst all odds (the most common understanding of faith)

2. Commitment - No turning back after saying 'God, your will be done' (commonly understood in the context of faithfulness in marriage)

3. Discernment - surprise! haha yes faith can be practiced through the 'Discernment of Spirits.' I'd like to talk more about this. In my spiritual guidance, I learned that only God can touch our hearts (consolation without previous cause). Both the good and the evil spirits may only influence my thoughts, and my thoughts are the gateway to my heart. (very C.B.T., which is a new science, but mind you, St. Ignatius conceptualized this centuries ago Going back to my point, through discernment, I may show my faith in the Lord by guarding my thoughts that leads to my heart. 

Did I make sense? Don't worry, half of the time, I don't understand it too, and I have been practicing this exercise for 2 years now. :P I am patient though, I am consoled that God reveals Himself to me in his own way. 

There is goodness in everything. Discern that there is good in everyone. In my imagination, Jesus finally said 'Your will be done' amidst his fear, not because he was washed with courage, but because he was faithful to God.  He was probably also faithful to us (through discernment that there is a good in us worth dying for) that moved him to keep on loving us to the Cross. 

Dearest Father, 

Grant me the grace to have faith in my trust, in my commitment, and in my discernment. Help me see that in the open system of life, your original goodness abounds. Amen.

Covid

I was tested for covid today. It has been 12 days that I have been in quarantine with Mami since I got exposed to C, who turned out to be covid positive. He had mild symptoms and I on the other hand had none. I remember the day we found out he was positive, I entered into a serene prayer, and begged God in all the calmness I could muster, to spare me from the symptoms, should I have the virus. The bigger miracle was to be spared altogether, which is very unlikely due to the momol I had with the covid positive. 

Why did I ask to be spared? Who wouldnt? afterall, covid was not just a health issue, but an economical concern as well. Covid-related hospitalizations cost about 200k a week. Finances are quite unstable in my family right now. We cannot afford to pay for Covid. Hence, I asked for the miracle to be spared from all that. With the surge in infection that's going on right now, I can imagine how terrible the coming days can be. Surprisingly, I am at peace in my heart. I know that God is with me and walks with me through this unknown chapter in my life. I dont know when, or how, all I know is that everything will be alright in time. 

29

29.

much wow.

end of an era. 

Let's do a life assessment, shall we?  A career that I am happy to be in, check. Personal and development growth in graduate school, check. family is safe and healthy, check. Halfway with the house mortgage, but living comfortably in our own home, check. The happy yet challenging romantic relationship for growth, check. 

So far, my life has been good, yet I feel significantly small when I unwillingly compare my life with my peers or even those younger than I am. People my age are getting engaged on purpose, getting married, having kids. Yet here I am, dating a 23-year-old who is still struggling to claim his independence from his traditional family. 

The misery isn't just coming from comparing my life with others'; I feel a little disappointed when I look back at my dreams and plans when I was a younger woman. I wanted to be married at 28 or 29 but not have kids until 31. I want to enjoy married life, adjust, and take it slow. However now it seems like I won't be able to have the marriage buffer I planned. 

Truth be told, I am still not financially able to be independent, as I am supporting my family. Ma will retire next year, ate is still not stable in her current situation. My boyfriend is also just a budding career person. 

The pain in my heart comes from wanting something, from feeling ready to commit, yet my situation, will not allow it. 

I do love this man, but I am afraid our circumstances are too different. Perhaps I can no longer deny the need to pray about my life's vocation.

I wonder where I will be in 1-2 years. 

Spiritual Exercises: Divine Love

I just finished week 4 of my spiritual retreat on the First Spiritual exercises. During this time, I was doing the retreat on inner peace in divine love. I have ups and downs in it.
The first week focused on 'remembering love' where I am repeatedly to look at my past experiences, my relationships, and just to dwell in those experiences of being loved. It helped a lot that I have done the spiritual autobiography or sacred history because it somewhat prevented me from going astray when walking down the memory lane. haha

Week two was centered on 'dwelling in love' wherein I contemplated on the love of God for me by imaginary prayer using the scriptures. My favorite has to be when the book made me join the last supper. I tried to pretend like the apostles, I dont know what will happen next but I knew about the passion of Christ, so that made me feel quite sad. there were times I darted my eyes away from Jesus when he spoke to me. it made me feel very uncomfortable and guilty. Then real life experiences came along and contextualize my spiritual experience: I was scammed around 4k when I bought something online. See, i've been saving money for this item (it's a pair of earphones that has no chords at all, and sits very well on your ears) because I wanted good earphones for my commute and exercise sessions. After i made my payment, the seller stopped responding to me. in my 15 years of online shopping, this is the first time I experienced this. I was sad for a few days because i thought to myself, "i was careful, i followed the rules, but this happened still." I was inconsolable by Curt until one day, I was so surprised to have received the earphones i wanted! it was from curt and he gave me his OWN pair of earphones. I couldnt stop crying because I felt so guilty that someone had to suffer the consequence for my own downfall (being scammed haha). No matter what he said, I felt really guilty that he had to resort to using a broken pair of old earphones because he gave me his new ones.

I know its probably not comparable to what Jesus really sacrificed for me, but I think the feelings I had were similar.
1. I experienced failure due to pursuing worldly desires. I was scammed for buying something I didnt really need. It was earthly and unnecessary. :(
2. Someone had to make the sacrifice to save me from the despair I was going through.
3. I am aware that I deserve to dwell in that despair because it is the consequence of my own wrongdoing
4. I feel guilty because the person willingly went through with it for me.

I wish I can say that I am totally transformed by the experience and by the exercises. Then I remembered to forgive myself and remember that there is a process, even for my transformation. What i did was, I acknowledged curt's sacrifice, used it for a few days, but I think i still somewhat sabotaged it and told him I didnt like the earbuds after all, so I kindly returned it to him. I know i do this too with God. I say no to his blessings because sometimes, it overwhelms me. I'm a work in progress and what i got from these experiences is that I finally recognized this problem! Now I can work on it. :D I may be changing, but God is constant. May pag asa pa ako.

Unfortunately, week 3 was extremely difficult for me. I think it requires higher-order thinking skills, like top tier level cognition. hahaha! Honestly, I think its because I have this internal working model of a 5 year old:

"God is in control, right? then why are bad things happening?"

You see, the 3rd week of the retreat talks about 'love at work' and it guides me in seeing how God's love (through the HS) is present around me. Don't get me wrong, I love being one with the creation and I admit that at times, it still takes my breath away being in awe with how much I feel God's presence in it. It's just that, hmm.. I think its hard to appreciate God's dwelling in creation when I am indoors. There is also this exercise where I contemplate on God's dwelling in me! oh boy... My sinfulness and my unresolved feelings of 'i dont deserve God nor his love' resides strongly in the inner depths of my being. So you can probably imagine.

Week 4 starts today. I am trying to be kind to myself by constantly reminding my brain that I dont need to master each step, I just need to keep going forward with my best efforts.

COVID-19 ECQ Season 3

I know.. "what happened to your daily 40 day Lent entries?!?!"

Covid happened. Sorry about the inconsistency. Things were harder to balance because of this so called "new normal"

Lent Day 7

Today I felt hopeless about completing my practicum hours. Opportunities pop out but are not favorable to my situation as a full time employed student. I found myself questioning him why present the things I cannot grab?

I still dont know until now. I constantly reminded myself today to be like a bird. Be happy and contented with what God gives me for the day. And today, I have a lot to be thankful for:

1. I got another take home practicum work
2. I got invited to a secret group that will help me prepare for my comprehensive exams.

Right now, Im convincing myself that these alone are enough.

Lent Day 6

Bravery without kindness, is hurtful. A dismissed security guard from GH hostaged several people for 10 hours today. He agreed to surrender at the exchange of being heard through a press conference in which he was tackled and taken down.

I imagine the courage that he had to do all of these. To go through last night, plotting his scheme. May the Lord continue to speak to me in times I will find myself in his level. May I continue to hear the Lord too.

No one deserves to go through that hell alone.  Lord, make me brave to journey with these people who are finding their way back to you.

Lent Day 5

Today I joined a Dungeons and Dragons party. Its my very first one and I must admit, it was intimidating at first. I ended up having a lot of fun and I potentially have new friends too!

I am also given an opportunity to audition in MTQ choir. This might mean taking bolder steps in detaching from Ermita choir that is so loaded with friendship chaos. I dont know where this path leads, but I hope it will somehow help me overcome.  

Lent Day 4

Today is a good day to set aside worries, make grand gestures of love and allow the real me to show. 

I'm starting to become more at peace with the fact I can't make people like me no matter how hard I try. I paid him a visit, went to look for crafting inspirations and just relaxed. Im not sure if this is integral to my lenten journey, but today, I felt kind to myself. And I think that was worth remembering. 

Lent Day 3

Today, I chose to take a break. My heart needs it. I allowed people to connect with me, I gave my full attention when I talked, and simply remained present.

I thought of her too, and asked my partner how could he stand such a person? I heard in his voice how indifferent he is. He has accepted that she will not change, and all that's left to do now is to move on.

She didnt reply to me at all. I think this goes to show that it is time for me to move on as well. Ill focus on being kind without trying to be liked. I'll focus on being genuine without proving. I'll try to be me.